First off, let me apologize to all 2 of my readers. I would like to say April flew by me but it did not. It was a begrudgingly slow and contemptuous month even though I had Spring Break.
Ever since teaching I have never had the same week off as my sons. I work in a different school district than them, so we usually have a weekend getaway squeezed in between the two weeks that overlap. This year we took a trip to Arizona which was surprisingly nice considered we usually go in August. We saw a Dodgers spring training game and the temperature only got up to 90. I wish I could say I enjoyed myself, but lately I have been having this cloud of depression over my head and I just couldn’t shake it.
During May we went on a trip to Legoland, which is of course Lego Lad’s favorite place in the world. He turned 16 this year and we teased him that he is now too old to be allowed into Legoland.
He almost believed us and not because we are that convincing, but because my son can still be that young and naive at times. I love that about him. But even this recent trip with family I was pretending to have a good time, clenching my teeth and smiling like I mean it.
I stopped writing for awhile because I have been feeling so sad and though I know many people want to share that to the internet universe while it is happening, that’s not really my style. I just want those out there who DO share, thank you because during this depression I have become an internet addict finding comfort in reading many, many stories that open up about their pain. My depression right now is mostly from my pain and sadness for deciding to take a year off from teaching. Why do you ask? Haven’t you written before about how awful you are feeling at school and how hard the job is? Yes, but I will miss it.
I have been a teacher for 12 years and it has never been about the money. I get paid pretty good FOR A TEACHER, but in reality had I gone the corporate route like my other college friends I could be making twice what I earn right now. But I don’t want to get paid more, that won’t make me stay. I am so demoralized with so many things in the educational system right now that I know I need to not be a part of that world for awhile. I think most teachers understand what I am talking about and some non-teachers may think I am just being whiny and I should be thankful that I have a job. But I cannot explain this feeling right now so I will just put it out there and hope you understand when I say,
“Teaching is not JUST a job.”
I will miss my brand new school with brand new computers that work and a gorgeous library. I will miss amazing teachers who are only paid for a 6 hour day until 3pm but stay until 5 and work at home for 50+ hours a week. I will miss the sparkle I see in the eyes of a student who 10 minutes before was so confused but then screams at me, “Oh, NOW I get it!” I will miss the laughing everyday, but won’t miss the crying everyday either. It’s funny how I first started this blog I thought it would be just about my life, not teaching, but teaching IS my life right now. I am scared as to what my future holds because this has been my life for a very long time. But I cannot start the new adventure without this break.
So usually I start planning my summer around May. This year I will be planning June until June. What am I going to do? New year’s resolutions don’t work for me because for a teacher the new year is September. What will be my new non-teaching year’s resolutions? Here are a few I can think of so far;
1. Read a book or two (I always get to do this in the summer but I plan to do this more often now)
2. Write, write, write, – I think too much which leads to my depression but writing it down always provides some type of catharsis. I have spiral notebooks, journals, private blogs, etc. So many things scattered everywhere.
3. Bake, and cook more – I LOVE baking but I want to make more healthy home cooked meals. This last month with my depression and foot pain my husband has done most of the dinners when I come home. He’s a keeper, that’s for sure <3.
4. Exercise and go outside – The gym near me is getting remodeled and will now have a pool. That might help me become active again because this foot pain and lack of exercise is definitely a big contributor to my mood.
5. Take classes/ get another teaching credential/ go back to school – This is a more fuzzy goal than my other ones but I am going to get out of my comfort zone and try to learn something new.
So what are your plans this summer? I hope you can appreciate the life you have and can reach out to people when you find yourself in a dark place. Wish me luck, I’ve got 21 more days til the end of this school year.
One of the saddest videos and songs I know, but it makes me feel better because in the end you realize, everybody hurts sometimes.